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The Gay & Lesbian Review
Who Owns This Body? By Brian Alessandro. Published in: January-February 2025 issue. This article is behind a paywall – click below to read the article
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NOVELISTIC AND EPISODIC, Oliver Radclyffe’s memoir Frighten the Horses is written with verve, humor, and specificity. His story begins in an affluent British family, where Oliver was raised to take his state of privilege for granted. Later in life, however, he would have to contend with the social challenges of a different kind of status: his transmasculine identity. “I’d been bound by the rules and regulations of upper-class English society since the day I was born,” he writes, “although even now in my diasporic state it is excruciating to admit this.”
Assigned female at birth, Oliver grows up and marries a man named Charles who works in finance. The couple raise four children in Connecticut, and all seems harmonious in their idyllic world until Oliver begins to yearn for sex with women. Initially believing himself to be a lesbian, Oliver tells Charles of his orientation, expecting a divorce. Charles instead takes an English stiff upper lip and expects his wife to suppress the desire and tell no one. Eventually, he relents and encourages Oliver to seek out women to explore his feelings.
Oliver’s exploration of LGBT culture and history feels anthropological as he seeks to understand his role within this multifarious milieu. He writes thoughtfully and sensitively about his encounters with several women. His explanations are consistently self-reflexive and eschew glib pronouncements. His analysis of the sensations that emerge with each interaction are comprehensively evaluated and challenged. He finds himself in Brooklyn, a place “progressive” enough for the new family dynamic: “I wondered whether these were the sort of people who might make me feel more whole.”fL
After dating several women, Oliver realizes that he’s most comfortable playing a dominant and assertive role during sex, and soon begins to imagine life as a man, which feels right despite his anxious misgivings: “A fully embodied experience not just of making love to a woman, but of making love as a man.” Oliver discovers that he has a phantom penis and becomes enamored of the trappings of being a man. Simultaneously, the realities of womanhood become intolerable: “I felt suffocated by the smell of face powder and expensive perfume, overwhelmed by the glitter of silk and lipstick and jewelry.”
Oliver writes about Charles with understanding—”This meant he hadn’t just married a lesbian; he’d married a man”—but he’s also hurt by his parents and family friends, who seem more concerned about the effect of the transition on Charles and the children than on Oliver himself. Tellingly, his parents were almost enthusiastically supportive of Oliver when they thought he was a lesbian. “Oh Daddy,” said Oliver when he came out initially as gay. “I thought you believed homosexuality was a sin.” “I did,” answered Oliver’s father. “[I stopped] a few minutes ago when I found out I had a gay daughter.”
While Oliver’s interactions within the LGBT community are revealing, his attempts to come to terms with his male identity are especially moving. “I wish it didn’t matter so much to me, but after a lifetime of feeling invisible, I was desperate to be seen.” Indeed the title of this memoir is a British expression about being discreet and not making a public display of oneself—in other words, being invisible so as not to frighten the horses.
Oliver encounters resistance from some of his female partners when he comes out to them. “I am sick of men,” says Jamie, a woman with whom Oliver was romantically involved before his transition, who had left her husband to be with a woman, ”You can’t hold me accountable if you turn into something I can’t love,” she tells Oliver.
Radclyffe’s prose is vigorously corporeal and sensory. He puts us in his body at every turn, with vivid physiological reactions to situations and insightful responses to revelations. He doesn’t just tell us about his gender dysphoria, he shows us. Every ache and flash of embarrassment, every jolt of panic and frustration, is written with phenomenological anguish, and also with great wit. “Given the choice between Virginia Woolf and Quentin Crisp, I’d rather be an Englishman in New York.” He writes poignantly and incisively about body ownership: “Who does my body belong to? Who is my body for? It’s like my femininity’s a gift I’ve been giving to other people for so long that they’ve just come to expect it, and if I take it back everyone’s going to accuse me of being selfish. What I wanted was apparently irrelevant because everyone else’s claim on my body exceeded my own.”
With tireless compassion and microscopic meditations, Radclyffe brings us through his psychological, emotional, and physical transitions. All the while he considers the impact his changes will have on his children. His journey is fueled by courage, honesty, and unabashed self-love, but his craft as a writer is equally remarkable: “I’d let go of my country, my wealth, my class, my heterosexuality, and finally now my gender, until I was nothing but a body spinning in space.”
Writerscast with David Milk
This is flat out a remarkable story told by a remarkable person. We live in a time when people are so often simply categorized into identities, as if the naming of a version of self somehow explains who a person is.
Los Angeles Review of Books
Humorous and heartwarming, Frighten the Horses covers Radclyffe’s two late in life coming out experiences, a story that unfurls in the wake of his moving from London to the Connecticut suburbs and raising four children–all while trying to figure himself out.
theSkimm’
I recently saw Oliver Radclyffe in conversation with Roxane Gay at a literary festival. I was so taken with his charisma and intelligence that I added his debut memoir to my Goodreads TBR right there at the event.
Autostraddle
In a moment in our culture where people are so quick to hide or deny these details about their past selves, Radclyffe’s honesty and vulnerability in these particular moments helps show that the process of becoming isn’t limited to what we learn about our own inner lives and desires. It’s also about what we’ve refused to see by denying ourselves for so long. While this is enough to set Frighten the Horses apart, Radclyffe’s reflections on parenthood — and on the gendered and non-gendered dimensions of motherhood, especially — help bring his work to another level entirely.
The New York Times
Enjoyable to read and well written… Radclyffe writes movingly about parenting as the emotional risks of every step he takes toward affirming his maleness… [A]s a testament to midlife transition—especially in a time when so much of the cultural conversation around gender rights focuses on young people—Radclyffe’s memoir offers a valuable alternate narrative to the loss and pain that queer history has too often insisted on.
BookPage
Frighten the Horses is warm, moving and most importantly, inspiring for anyone who needs a reminder that it’s never too late to be one’s authentic self.
Kirkus Interview
Radclyffe examines the constraints that class, gender, cultural scripts, and heterosexual marriage placed on his pre-transition self—and the world as we know it.
Oprah Daily
It’s the voice that makes this memoir stand out. This is a writer who can capture any moment with a dazzling, insightful, at times musical phrase.
Library Journal
Radclyffe’s riveting, moving memoir about his journey of self-discovery is a page-turner that reads like a novel.
Shelf Awareness
An arrestingly forthright and open account of self-realization, a portrait of a transgender experience that is beautiful, honest, and raw.
Booklist
Sincere and searching… There’s great power in Radclyffe’s vulnerable and generous portrayal of his trans experience, throughout which there are more dimmer-switch dawnings than flashes of light, and readers will be grateful for it.
Kirkus Reviews
This book is consistently frank, vulnerable, perspicacious, and insightful, covering ain impressive variety of aspects of hte transgender experience in intimate, lyrical language and dry, compassionate humor. The author’s analysis of privilege is particuarly refreshing. A stunning memoir about discovering one’s identity late in life.
Publishers Weekly
Radclyffe’s moving devotion to his children (“I didn’t so much guide them as encourage them to guide themselves”) lends the resonant coming-out narrative additional weight. Bolstered by poetic prose and offhanded candor, this story of late-in-life self-acceptance deserves a wide audience.
MS. Magazine
Adult Human Male
In this short monograph, Oliver Radclyffe makes imperative and impassioned arguments for understanding the broad fluidity of sex and gender, especially in embodied and humanist terms as opposed to theoretical or ideological ones. Let this pointed and readable tome whet your appetite for Radclyffe’s full-length memoir coming in 2024.